Listening to Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust

Father's day did not go how I.... hoped? prayed? wished for it to go.

And that.... hurt.... And scares me.

I meant it when I said the day should be about you. But it wasn't, again.

And I have no way of reaching out. Sometime in early February, I did a stupid thing, and I went into your space and I looked.

A lady friend.

So I cried that night in bed, watching the sunset go down, and I prayed over you, your happiness, your life, your peace. And I pulled back all of my energy, completely severing my connection (or so I thought).

I deleted our conversations, your phone number, took the pictures off my phone (though I did save those in my cloud) and I deleted the DELETED folders. I let you go.

With #loveandpeace.

So you could move on. Because that's what you wanted.

So I could move on. Because that's what I needed.

And it hurt oh so bad.

But we both needed it. To heal alone.

And so I threw myself into myself, into MORE healing. Because you know, that's not what I have been doing at all the last 4 years, and especially since the raging lava monster was released on September 29th and I became aware of just how broken I was, how unhealthy I was, how toxic I was.

Even if I could reach out though, I am being guided not to. To let YOU work through at your own pace.

But, the fact I couldn't even say the simple words "Happy Fathers Day" to you, look into your eyes, cover your forehead, cheeks and nose in soft little kisses of sorrowful empathy, wrap you in all the love I have to give.... Guts me.

And I am still afraid. Afraid that... this is all in my head. It doesn't help that the gift I ordered on May 23rd, that had a shipping label created June 7th, STILL isn't here.

A few months ago I wrote a vulnerable post, Learning to Listen, about learning to listen to what it is my body, what spirit, what the Divine is trying to communicate to me. What I KNOW to be truth deep in my core self.

I no longer doubt myself there. I am fully open, fully connected to the Divine, acting on trust, doing some of the most insane things but reaping the rewards every time I DO trust. But let me tell joo sumtin.... It is scary as fuck.

On Wednesday, June 6th, I was in this almost euphoric mood, sitting on the back porch with the kids, enjoying a popsicle and the afternoon sun.

I had just made a post on Instagram even, about "Back Porch Sitting." Something I have always dreamed of, longed for. Something that I had realized that very day that I had finally brought to life. When all of a sudden something told me I needed to move to the front porch, a place I didn't often sit, if ever.

So I sat on the front porch for a few moments when a thought "not visible enough" wafted through my brain.

So I moved to the stairs. But after less than 3 minutes, the same thought flitted through my mind. Mind you, my aunts house has a beautiful front garden, that given time and money, were it mine, I would have turned into this beautiful gothic, Victorian style haven. But the view of the house, the stairs, the porch is blocked by a GINORMOUS kiwi berry bush.

So I paused for a moment and went "what?"

"He doesn't actually know your address, just roughly where you live. He can't see you here."

Now THAT got my attention.

So I moved to the corner of my street, just standing there on the grass, for probably 45 minutes.

I have never had much patience. Lordy I have been a Veruka Salt, a King Julien my entire life. Just go read Learning to Listen, where I literally said "How long is this going to take?!"

So I stood there, no phone, no kids, still in my pajamas (because you know what, some days I just don't give AF about putting on "real clothes”).

And I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And just when I was about to give up and walk back to my house, because, "It's all in my head.... this is insane... there is absolutely no way he would or COULD get up here."

"You're focusing on HIM... That's not what he loves about you... Be yourself (and of course I have Genie from Aladdin in my head at that thought telling Al to be himself, "But I don't want to beeeeeee myself").

So... I trusted, and held faith. And began to let my mind wander, letting my skin feel the breeze blow softly, as a lovers caress, across my bare arms.

Watching the clouds float by in the sky, admiring their shapes.

Saying hello to all the little creatures that stopped or flew by. The crows, the pigeons, the fuzzy bumblebee that was floating around my feet at the clover flowers.

And what do you know. A small red car came roaring up 3rd, abruptly turned the corner ONTO my street and was pulling over less than 5 feet from where I stood, with some guy (who I am pretty sure I know who he is, because, who else but a best friend from childhood would go on this asinine insane journey all for the sake of love, right?) yelling out the window at me in triumph.

I have no idea what was actually said because it happened in a matter of 15, maybe 20 seconds. And then it was zooming off and away.

I thought that night that you were finally coming back, my knight in not so shining red car. I'm not sure what it was, a Honda Accord maybe? Some little asian car. I think it had a black replacement panel on one part, but it all happened so fast I am not sure.

But I KNEW in that moment it was you.

And I have since realized that that moment wasn't about you coming to me. It wasn't FOR me at all, though it was meant to trigger my sudden dive into purging, healing, facing the last of the chains, bonds and demons standing in my way.

But it was about you. Confirming for you that this almost magical, completely insane connection was legit. Was real. That I really CAN feel you and we are truly connected on a soul level.

So I sat in my driveway for the rest of the evening, after my son found me wandering back to the house a few moments later, playing the playlist I had specially curated a few months ago, of all the ways I express love and want it to be expressed back.

I thought that night was a one and done, sit and learn patience. But oh boy was I wrong.

It was just the beginning of a spiritual battle of my own Faith and Trust, learning how to SIT and BE STILL for an unknown amount of time. But also a massive total body, heart, mind and soul purge of what was standing in the way of me being ready, of me being able to accept and receive everything you're bringing in.

However, by the end of the evening, a phrase that I have oft come back to time and again, since it came to me and sunk into my heart in 2021, #EvenIf had cemented itself.

#EvenIf he doesn't show up today, I am still worlds beyond grateful for all that I have processed, worked through, healed, let go of.

All because of YOU.

You have changed me so damn much, from the day we met, for the better.

You STILL make me want to be a better person every single day.

Because there really is

No one like you

There has never been anyone

To come into my life quite like you

You emboldened me

You encouraged me

You empowered me

You challenged me

You motivated me

You accepted me

You affected me

You wanted me

You chose me

And yes, you weren’t intimidated by me

The more open I got, the more open you became

You weren’t threatened by my intellect

You actually engaged in a meaningful way

You never once tried to one-up me

The weirder I acted, you matched act for act

We were equals

That’s what made you different

That’s what made you safe

You are one of a kind

You're etched in my soul

You've helped me heal

Helped me to trust

For once, I am whole.

But I sure do miss you.

I spent most of Thursday June 7th, outside as well, on the front porch, in the garden, on the driveway, with my phone playing that playlist again. But this time I brought my journal out and I began writing down thoughts, things, literal feelings and sensations I was having, the things happening around me as my inner self connected dots, put two and two together, started filling in missing pieces.

And of course writing down the name of the song that was playing at the time as I went through this massive shift, internally. Processing, feeling, crying, sobbing at points.

I wrote 17 pages that day.

Now normally, as everyone knows, even the best of programs’ "shuffle" is just a repetitive order of the same "shuffled" listed.

But not Wednesday, or Thursday, or Friday, or Saturday, or Sunday. Songs kept being played exactly when I needed to hear them, so puzzle pieces could start falling into place. And they never repeated the order twice.

And then Friday the 8th came, and I did something I never thought I would after "sitting" in the waiting room of a zoom meeting for work for 15 minutes, only to finally receive an email back that I had been uninvited to the meeting last minute, no communication.

What I did is not to be shared at this time, in due time... Because it's not a part of THIS post.

BUt when I got home from my appointment downtown (which is where I was headed when I "sat" in the waiting room with my headphone in, driving down to Seattle), and took care of what I needed to, I went back outside, and sat outside with my notebook, making notes as thoughts occurred to me, just letting myself feel the emotions conveyed in the songs from that list, for the first time in my life, in a whole new light, from an entirely new perspective.

One of safety. Of healthy. Of love. Of acceptance.

One of "me to you" and "you to me" and not just make believe, one day, pretend it could happen. But FEELING the emotions as if you were there sitting across the porch table from me, sharing these songs with me.

That afternoon, with the playlist still in full use, the kids and I pulled out the chalk, and I.... started drawing.

At first it was just #BeingHuman at the end of my driveway, so you could see that it was my house.

But then closer to my house things that only you could know were for you.

#Heretospread

#LoveandPeace

Hell, I even drew one of your tattoos....

And then, because the colors I chose for #BeingHuman weren't vivid enough and my actual driveway is far enough away from the street you couldn't actually see or read it from a car....

#GoGoPowerRangers I drew the damn white and yellow rangers helmets.

Am I fucking mental? Am I completely insane?!

And when I finished, I sat back against a tree for a while, getting lost in the thoughts of what was coming in, of love, of you.

Until something said I needed to write something.

And it's strange because I CHOSE a red chalk initially, but as I was writing, something said "Don't write THIS word in red. Go get green." So I did.

I Know What Healthy Is Now.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

(I am not a patient person apparently, or good at waiting. But those muscles have been in MAJOR workout mode since the 6th).

On Saturday, the kids and I went to the park, the new one by the Boys & Girls Club, and again I brought my journal, my music, my headphones. And I wrote 7 more pages.

And then I got up, took my headphones out, put on my "Dance" playlist, and danced in public, with everyone at the park watching. I got comments, I got looks. But you know what, I didn't care. Because I knew without a shadow of a doubt I was loved, accepted, exactly for who I am.

An insane, chaotic ball of energy.

Then we walked over to Fro-Yo and the kids thoroughly enjoyed themselves...

While I.... wanted nothing to do with the ice cream for the first time in my life, and started writing furiously again as MORE pieces of life, of understanding (this time with nothing to do with you) came pouring into my consciousness, into my awareness, into certainty.

I haven't wanted ice cream, poptarts, cereal, muffins, pretty much anything manufactured in weeks (save for those gummy worms and nerd gummy balls but even then, those are simply a few here a few there and I am pretty certain it is just the high glucose my brain is needing in that moment given the SHEER amount of work it's been going through).

When we got home, again, I was called to just sit, be still, wait. On the front porch.

It bears noting that up until June 6th, all of my healing, thinking, crying, deep connection work has taken place either in my bedroom or on the back deck. The back deck especially has been a place of safe haven, of healing since the week I arrived in July of 2022.

But all of that was PAST hurt.

Was PAST fear.

It was the past.

I realized the front porch was calling because it is the way forward, to the future. And while there has been quite a lot of tears, they have been almost all happy, holy shit, is this for real, deep soul truth sinking into my body tears.

So I sat on the porch, on the stairs this time, with the music playing, writing down every song that played along with the things that came to mind as the song played itself out.

I spent probably 5 hours out there.

And wrote 17 more pages. Filling up this journal.

41 pages between Thursday and Saturday. Hand written.

Realizations, puzzle pieces of the past 9 months being fed to me bit by bit, understanding from your perspective I never would have gotten had I not sat.

Been still.

Waited.

Trusted.

Had Faith.

But I am only human. I am fallible. And some old wounds aren't fully healed apparently.

I am better than I ever was, stronger, more resilient. I am able to lean on the divine, on my tools, on my OWN inner strength, but by Wednesday the 12th the doubts, fears, the you're fucking mental, this is ALL in your fucking head you fucking idiot started creeping back in.

And lord let me tell you the TESTS the universe kept throwing at me! Things that would have previously sent me spiraling out of control into an anxiety pit of despair. Things that have nothing to do with you, but came in meant to distract, to detract, to take my eyes off the prize.

But the thing is, I would be fucking mental to give up now, to walk away from what I KNOW with a deep soul certainty is going to be the most treasured gift of our lives.

I began feeling this "coming thing" sometime in May. I shared the feeling of “something coming” with my Bible study group, but there are not many people I trust with the authentic me. There aren't many people who would actually support me, believe in what I KNOW is coming. Most people would tell me all sorts of things like "It's all in your head, you're fucking mental, give up and walk away now before you get hurt."

I haven't been able to write much, or I'm not being allowed to? I'm not sure what.

But as thoughts, realizations, understandings, missing puzzle pieces fall into place, I make note of them, I either write them down in a new journal, text them to myself, or plop them into my excel database for #BeingHuman.

I've continued about my days; packing, purging, cleaning, sitting, even napping or just resting when I need to or I'm being led to.

But still, FEAR keeps coming in.

I have made it a point to stay OUT of your space and energy since February.

I don't check your VODS, I don't search you up. Because I had let you go.

I had wished you well and pulled myself out of your space and I meant it.

On Wednesday March 23rd, I was a part of a Healing Arts virtual program, where we painted with water colors and used pastel oil chalks to put down on paper what we were feeling.

Art has always been a struggle for me, artistic expression especially. Because of all the voices of "you're not good enough, that's not art, you have no idea what you're doing."

But for once, I didn't listen to those voices. And lordy the single line portrait I did is NOT pretty! But I didn't care, because I put my HEART into it.

I say this because I put everything I was feeling about you, into this piece… and things started rolling from there.

Sometime in the next two weeks, I can't really recall the exact date, spirit nudged me to go check your VODS. At this point I don't fight it anymore, not like I did in the winter with that text. I know better.

And what I saw broke my heart.

You... in anguished pain. Your phone going off non-stop which only seemed to add to your hurt.

And the sweatshirt. You wearing it. The one you said you weren't fond of because it's not your show.

The one I gave back. That I never knew if you actually went outside to get or not when I dropped it off and then collapsed in the parking lot across the street, sobbing so hard and loud I had strangers coming to check on me.

Within that same timeframe, my cousin interrogated me about my finances, informed me I wasn't able to pay to live in his mothers house, that HE had money and could afford it but I should look elsewhere and he was just trying to help, but really he was just being an ass... And then my aunt sent me an EMAIL to tell me I had until June 30th to find new housing, she was selling the house.

In the past, this would have set off panic, fear, terror lasting for days, weeks, months.

And it set off a twinge at first, momentary. But mostly it just pissed me the fuck off.

And so, I took the leap, made the jump, purchased the domain for the year and threw myself into what I know to be my life's calling of #BeingHuman, and I wrote Trustfall

As I said there, (if you have read this far DP, this is both NOT about you, and yet.... you're woven into the very tapestry of my being and are forever threaded throughout the remainder of my life, including my continued healing and Being Human so I hope you read on)

I didn't know then if you'd ever read it.

But I know you have. I've felt you watching me, my every post be it blog, TikTok, or twitch VOD, since October.

The last 17 pages I wrote in my notebook are to you directly. I won't share all that here because it's private, just between you and me.

I've felt you in the way I feel the warm breeze caress my cheek. Felt you as if you were mere feet away, like the scent of flowers wafting through the air.

Felt you in ways I do not have words for.

But I am still scared.

I am only human.

I've listened when I'm nudged to go watch a VOD, and sometimes.... the things said play on my doubts and fears.

"See, he doesn't mean you, he's completely moved on. He has someone else."

Feelings of icy fear coursing through my veins, daggers to the heart.

Yesterday was hard.

I'm so tired of life being hard. Of FEELING you but not being able to touch you.

I KNOW what is coming, but what my own ears hear still gets me twisted up.

Like I said I am only human. I am fallible. And some old wounds aren't fully healed apparently.

I am better than I ever was, stronger, more resilient. I am able to lean on the divine, on my tools, on my OWN inner strength, but as June 30th approaches ever closer, 13 days from now, and those words play over and over in my head, I am terrified.

I am so damn proud of you.

You have done so much work, fought so hard and silently, alone.

I will forever be grateful that God put you in my life, #EvenIf we never cross paths again.

I will forever be grateful for all the healing, the light, the good and inspiration you continue to bring into my life. And all the love.

Saturday’s storms completely washed away all the artwork I drew, but I did get pictures of it.

I am clinging to Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust right now, trusting that everything my body is screaming at me is true. #EvenIf I can't see proof of it yet. I do believe in faeries, I do I do…

But I am so damn terrified right now.

I've been doing the deep work, the deep healing for 4 years.

You've been at it for a few short months. And hot damn….

You have put so much hard work in, I want you to know I SEE you. And I am so damn proud of you.

You will never again doubt if you are loved, with me.

You will never again worry about your heart, your mind, your body, your SOUL being safe, with me.

I will protect you softly but with the ferocity to rival any mother bears for the rest of our lives.

You will never again question who you are, what you mean, or where you stand again.

This I promise you.

I won't give up on us

#EvenIf the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up.