Attitude of Gratitude Day 28

Your birthday is supposed to be a sacred day, a day celebrating your arrival, your very birth.

Most everyone wants to know they are loved that they are special, thought of, especially on their birthday.

In elementary school, your classmates and teacher often made a big deal out of the day, showering you in little tokens, sometimes a paper crown, parents would often send or even bring in treats to share with the class.

In middle school, we started to see less large social celebrations at school as cliques began forming, and social circles became more important and relevant within celebrations.

In high school, it wasn’t uncommon to see some individuals be showered with large balloons, flowers, gifts, and signs, while others were left unrecognized on their birthdays, due to smaller social circles, lack of friendships or lack of funds.

As the middle child, with a birthday in late October, and never having very many friends, which I now understand comes from struggling as a youth to connect to others due to undiagnosed neurodivergence, my birthday always went overlooked.

My sister and mother both have birthdays in October, and when my dad and stepmom gained custody of my sister and I, we often had combined birthday parties in conjunction with a Halloween party.

Except the party was not advertised as a birthday/Halloween party. It was often just advertised as a Halloween party, with individual birthday party invitations sent out. This meant that the one who struggled to make connections (me) usually had maybe one or two guests, and my parents and brother (who were social butterflies) had tons of guests.

My 5th grade year was the last year I remember people making a big deal out of my birthday.

Mrs. Zarnes, my teacher that year, made a special, personal birthday cake for everyone that year on their birthday, to celebrate them, and that year, I happened to have a class full of neurodivergent kids, so I was surrounded by kids like me who showered me in little trinkets and tokens.

In 6th grade, I was a new student, awkward, the outcast. I did make one really good friend, who just so happened to share my birthday, but that was the beginning of being an outsider in new school after new school for the next 6 years.

On my 15th birthday, my dad “forgot” what day it was and didn’t say anything until 10:00 pm that evening and has continued the habit ever since. I have told him this bothers me, but it has made no difference.

In high school, I watched with sadness and envy as the popular girls were made much of, loudly celebrated with gifts and signs all day long, by large groups of friends.

In my second senior year (yes, I had to repeat a year, due to being “home-schooled” by my parents and screwed over academically), I met my bestie and learned there are people who don’t celebrate birthdays, or holidays at all.

We talked about a lot, and I shared my thoughts, feelings and disappointments with her, as she shared her families viewpoint and why they didn’t celebrate.

So, imagine my surprise when she who does not celebrate birthdays showed up to school with balloons and birthday gifts on my birthday.

And she has continued to blow me away every year, not just for my birthday, but Christmas. And not just for me, but for my kids too. The love, the fierceness, the effort she makes to ensure I feel seen, loved, acknowledged has continued to floor and awe me year after year after year.

Then I got married, and she even tried making up for the failings of my husband.

Between 2012 and 2021, I had 10 birthdays, we shared 10 Christmases together, we should have celebrated 9 Valentine’s Days and 8 wedding anniversaries.

I went out of my way to plan ahead, even when we had no money, enlisting the help of friends and family, to do and gift things for those special days for him, that would be memorable.

A custom beer tankard, etched with custom glass etched Otter artwork and his name.

Six-Flag day-passes for just him and I as he loves theme parks, with pre-arranged childcare.

Time away for him, to be alone to go fishing.

The wallet he’d been eyeballing at Cabela’s for weeks.

The list goes on and on and on.

When it came to celebrating me though, “I forgot to plan ahead.”

“We never have money to do what I want to do for you.”

“I couldn’t think of anything, so Tasha did…”

Time and again, my bestie came to his rescue to celebrate me because he couldn’t be bothered to plan ahead, think for himself, utilize the many wish lists I have.

I am a fairly simple and VERY practical person.

I truly do love practical gifts, as well as fun things. I have a very hard time spending money on myself, whether it is necessary and needed, or just wanted items.

2012 to 2021.

9 years of disappointment and heartache.

So, imagine my shock, my surprise, my automatic response of “aww, you don’t have to get me anything” when this new sweet man discovered I had an upcoming birthday and asked me what I wanted.

Honestly, my first reaction was panic.

I WANT to be loved and showered upon.

I WANT to be recognized.

But that has not been my experience by any man in my life.

My dad, to this day, thinks it’s a funny joke to wait until after 10 pm just to say anything as simple as “happy birthday,” even though I have said many times I find this to be very hurtful.

My male best friend of 17 years has promised me something that at this point I do not think will ever happen, a trip to Disneyland as I have never been, and he has been dozens of times.

My ex-husband made inconsistent to very little effort for every major celebration in 10 years together.

My experience with men and birthdays, with being celebrated, gifted anything, has been nothing but disappointment, letdown, and heartache.

But then he bought me my orchid!

For no other reason that I have been able to discern than he saw me smelling and admiring them in the store and I said they were my favorite flower.

When the lava monster of emotions escaped, and his walls came up I fully expected that to be the end of any thoughts of my birthday honestly.

Then out of the blue, he asked me if my amazon wish lists were up to date.

I am still not sure how he found them, but I was absolutely floored he had even thought of looking for them, thought enough of me to even THINK of getting me a single thing for my birthday given how reserved he had been for the past week.

I thought I was already floored. Turns out the rug could still be pulled out from under me.

I know it is not the number of gifts that matters, it’s the thought, the consideration that matters.

Having been ignored most of my life by pretty much everyone, save my bestie, to have this man, who barely knows me, hasn’t met my kids, has expressed reservations for future progression, shower so much affection and so many hand-picked gifts on not just me but my children as well for my birthday, meant the world to me. Meant more than I still have words to express.

Each item was specifically chosen for each person from our lists, and especially the things for my daughter, specific to what we were going through in that moment.

My son hasn’t gone a day without carrying Mr. Whiskers, the stuffed Minecraft cat around, sleeping with him every night.

My daughter has used the Daily Affirmations Cards every single day, keeping them by her bed on the bedside table so they are the first thing she sees in the morning when she wakes up.

The Nightmare Before Christmas music box sits right by my computer, and I play it whenever I am feeling down or sad.

These are only 3 of the many gifts this man blessed us with.

He didn’t have to, especially given he had reservations about a potential relationship. But I am so grateful he did.

My #attitudeofgratitude today is again for this amazingly kind man, coming into my life, showing me through his selfless kindness that I am worth celebrating and loving, my birthday is worth recognizing, and not all men suck.