Attitude of Gratitude Day 29

This #attitudeofgratitude challenge has brought me so much healing, perspective, growth and so many other things, the gratitude for this man just continues to grow.

Today’s #attitudeofgratitude is on the topic of my own anxious attachment, which is ultimately my personal downfall is almost every relationship.

For the first time in my entire life, this month I backed off, I went no contact, giving the other person the needed space and time that THEY needed, and for once, I actually took care of myself.

Something I have never done.

I did this INSTEAD of constantly reaching out, hoping to get back with someone, hoping to prove that I was worthy of being loved, never giving them time or space, ignoring my very own basic needs and emotional healing. Never allowing myself time and space to let my own emotions settle.

This month’s challenge also allowed me the time and space to notice patterns in my other days of gratitude, pattens that are part of my anxious attachment style that I would not have otherwise recognized for who knows how long, had it not been for this challenge.

As an Anthropologist, I have been familiar with Attachment theory for probably the past 13 years or so.

In a nutshell, Attachment theory is the observed emotional bond between an infant and their mother, how secure the infant appears to be with the mother present, how they react when the mother is gone, and the infant’s subsequent reaction to the mother upon their return.

There are four main reaction types.

1.      Anxious

2.      Avoidant

3.      Disorganized

4.      Secure

For anyone interested in further understanding attachment theory, more information can be found here: The Attachment Project

Decades later, attachment theory was predicted to be applicable to Adult Romantic relationships and extensive studies were done providing the validity of that theory.

I wrote a blog at the end of October on a book utilizing those studies, called Attached, and I highly recommend the book for those interested in learning more about themselves and improving their own self-awareness and relationships.

Today there is over 4 decades of study in Adult Romantic Attachment studies, with the three main types of relationship dynamics being Anxious, Avoidant and Secure.

I became aware of Adult Romantic Attachment Theory about 2 years ago myself and began researching it as part of my own healing journey, knowing my own anxiety had caused many issues in my relationships and attempted relationships throughout the years.

My discord, in fact, is not just for gaming. It is a gathering place for all the things I am working on in life, with an entire category dedicated to romantic relationships and healing for healthier, long-term, lasting relationships including educating people on the various attachment styles.

When I first met this sweet man, I honestly felt no anxiety.

I felt strong, secure, confident, sexy for the first time ever.

But that darn lava rage monster came exploding out of the busted box of suppressed emotions and he told me he didn’t think things would work out, he didn’t think things would progress healthily.

And I felt rejected, deflated, I lost all confidence.

Another pattern I was able to recognize this month, one I even did the day of and the day after he told me:

“I don’t think I can reciprocate the feeling you have for me.”

I run away.

I make it about me, and I shut down, feeling rejected, unwanted, unlovable, and I run away.

Initially I did ask if we could talk about it, but he was at work, and I interpreted his silence as a no.

I tucked my tail, shoved him away, turned around and ran, because I had been hurt, again, rejected, again. I wasn’t good enough for him.

Me. Me. Me.

I. I. I.

At the root of both the Avoidant and the Anxious attachment style is the fear of abandonment, the fear of your partner finding out that you are just a fraud, that you are unlovable, that they will eventually tire of you anyway and leave so you find a way to make them leave before they leave you.

Both styles will ultimately sabotage the relationship somehow, even without realizing it, to push the partner away because deep down they don’t feel they are worthy of their partner anyway.

The avoidant will begin to shut down emotionally, pull away, slowly find reasons and faults with their partner as to why the relationship won’t work out, and usually they are the one to initiate the break-up with the partner saying something along the lines of “I don’t think I can give you what you need,” often seemingly out of the blue.

The anxious will go the opposite direction, so afraid of abandonment they will pull in so close they practically suffocate their partner, intertwining as much of themselves as they can into their partners life, afraid that any time apart means their partner is tiring of them, wants to leave them, is going to abandon them as others have in their past.

I have heard the Avoidant and Anxious likened to a turtle and an octopus.

One withdraws into their shell so far you cannot see them, the other attaches with all their tentacles.

What I have described is obviously an extreme, and like anything in life, there is a spectrum to the Avoidant and the Anxious.

Both are brought about from a traumatic childhood and neglectful adult figures.

Both need to find a healthy, secure balance, and it can be done. They can be healed and brought to a central, secure base.

But it takes a lot of open, scary, vulnerable communication, time, and BOTH parties wanting to do the work.

I want to be very clear. I am NOT diagnosing someone else here.

The interactions I had with this sweet man speaks a lot to an Avoidant/Anxious interaction.

I know I have an anxious attachment style and I have worked hard for over 2 years to heal many of my bad habits, but obviously I haven’t healed them all.

I have spent a lot of time outside of my #attitudeofgratitude challenge this past month, learning about ALL the attachment styles, as I had only ever focused on the anxious style before, because that was MY area of struggle.

But I am going to encounter avoidants. And knowing their fears, their worries, their struggles would help immensely in navigating a relationship, communication-wise, going forward and could go a long way in the future with friendships as well. Because again, up until now, I had only ever thought about me, me, me, I, I, I.

If I want someone to learn how to communicate in a way that will help ME feel more secure, I absolutely need to learn how to communicate in a way that will make THEM feel more secure.

Why do I say all of this?

        Because in the days leading up to the end, he pulled away, like a turtle, and I clung, like an Octopus.

On my birthday, I could FEEL his mood, his energy shift.

He went silent.

He was stressed, work was frustrating, his personal life was stressing him out, and he needed to retreat.

But I didn’t give him that time or space because I didn’t know how to.

I was terrified that meant he didn’t want me in his life.

I wanted to be there for him.

I wanted to make it better.

I wanted to cheer him up.

Me, me, me.

I, I, I.

48…

48 text messages.

Between Sunday and Tuesday.

I sent 48 text messages.

Pictures, texts, gifts, TikTok’s…

Trying to cheer him up, keep connected, share my day, let him know he was not alone.

He sent me a message, apologizing for not responding, saying he just wasn’t in the mental space to talk to anyone.

And my stupid, cocky, self-assured, as if I knew everything ass responded in a way that I FELT/THOUGHT came across comforting/sweet… But realistically re-reading it, was just pathetic and obnoxious.

I don’t know if it is my autism, or what… But what I meant and how it came across were so far apart even I can read how condescending it came across.

But it didn’t stop there.

I couldn’t seem to stop myself!

Even knowing he needed space, I continued to reach out, trying to be “comforting,” but ultimately, I realized I wasn’t comforting him. I was attempting to maintain some semblance of connection, of contact, and comfort myself in the name of comforting him. I was using protest behavior.

Between his message Tuesday afternoon and Thursday morning, barring 1 gif from him, I sent another 41 messages.

Kill me now.

But wait…

There’s more!

Another 25 throughout the day that day.

I was trying to connect, trying to re-establish SOMETHING…

I could FEEL he had completely pulled away at this point, and I was in full blown panic.

So, I was desperate, sharing things that I was doing, “look, I’m growing, I’m being mindful, please don’t leave me!”

It shouldn’t have been a surprise that night when he messaged me from work…

Sweet and kind as always, making it about him, not feeling what I felt, lack of reciprocation, taking all the blame…

I have learned a lot this month.

I have recognized patterns I have repeated in past relationships, seen how I have continued to sabotage myself, made it all about me, focused on the wrong things.

I am not healed. And I won’t be for a long while. But that’s ok, 30 years of damage isn’t going to be fixed in a week, a month, or even a year.

It’s a journey, a marathon, a lifetime of growing, not a race.

I will make mistakes, but my hope is they will not be the same mistakes any longer.

It is possible to become securely attached, and I am working daily to discover and use the tools needed to get there, but it also takes finding a partner willing to grow with me, to be a secure base on occasion, and provide reassurance from time to time, just as I will for them.

If I could apologize to him, for not knowing how to give him space and time, for not knowing how to love him where he was at even just 5 weeks ago, I would in a heartbeat.

I know better how to do that now. I also know how to ask if that is what is needed, and I am not afraid to ask if that is what is needed.

I am also not afraid that needing space and time has anything to do with me anymore, but simply that someone just needs to recharge their mental or social batteries.

The perspective shift I have had this past month with this challenge, learning about how OTHERS experience things, has been eye opening, to say the least.

I am grateful for far too many things to even be able to adequately begin to describe them.

But for today, my #attitudeofgratitude is again to this sweet, kind, amazing man, for pushing and stretching me to a pain where I had to look myself in the mirror and see the damage I had done, to him, and to myself.

To be able to sit back and identify so many attachment related patterns throughout my life, but also begin to truly see how someone else experiences attachment, relational issues and heartache.

I am so sorry.